HAUNTED BY "SHOULD"
When I am haunted by what I should be doing that I’m not currently doing, it creates stress, anxiety and fear… but it doesn’t have to!
I have never thought of myself as a very disciplined person. Don’t get me wrong, I work hard at things and I try really hard, but I find myself many times just not doing the things that seem most important. I do take regular time to work ON things and not just IN things, and in my self-evaluation sessions I do get some clarity on what the important things are for this next season. And I’m really good at getting excited about the new priorities for tomorrow, or for the next season. But it just seems that every time I dive into something, I am haunted by this sense of awareness [or guilt… or false guilt… or possibly the Holy Spirit] that there is something else, something more important that I (and here it is…) SHOULD be doing instead.
Let me give you some real-life and real-time examples as I experience them.
I rather enjoy doing yard work and spending time maintaining and stewarding the home God has blessed us with. It is work, and it gets hot, gross and dirty… but it is rewarding and many times therapeutic for me. But there are so many times I am doing the weekly task of mowing the lawn (which takes me about 2-3 hours) and I feel like I should be doing something with my 10 year old daughter, who is waiting patiently for me to finish. I experience this internal conflict of values between two important things.
Sometimes I am working on a project around the house (which that list has no end as I feel like I am rebuilding my house from the ground up one small DIY project at a time). I am building shelves, replacing a door, or painting a room, and I get the gnawing sense inside me that I should have hired this out to someone because I should be spending this time writing a new blog post, or reading a book, or building my business networks.
I know that a regular rhythm of sabbath rest is very important - both physically, within the circadian rhythm of life, and spiritually, for renewal and replenishment of my soul. I also know that daily or regular exercise is an important part of taking care of my body so that it can have the chance for maximum life here on earth. But whenever I’m doing one of these, the other is screaming at me that I SHOULD be doing the other. When I’m practicing a day of rest and renewal, I feel lazy and that I SHOULD be going out for a long run or bike ride. When I’m taking time to stress and stretch my body with exercise, I feel guilty that I haven’t rested enough and that I SHOULD be getting still in the woods or at the beach.
Are you seeing my struggle?
Can you relate at all?
I titled this post “Haunted by Should” because it feels just that… a haunting. Not anything of real substance, but these fleeting thoughts that I am not doing something that should be more important than what I am doing. Perhaps this is a battle of my own priorities or a battle of my will to stay disciplined.
Or…
Its a warning light on the dashboard of my emotions that needs to be checked out. Not in an “I’m going crazy” kind of way, but maybe I need to revisit and write down my personal priorities more often. Michael Hyatt and others talk about writing out or mapping out our “ideal” week. Giving ourselves the time and space in our life to do the things that are important - actually putting them on our schedule. This in no way eliminates the things that pop up or come our way, but it does remind me that mowing my lawn is important, it is fun, and it is on my schedule for Friday mornings from 8-10. I don’t have to feel guilty or conflicted, because it IS what I should be doing - right then anyway.
I love this quote from Michael Hyatt… I remind myself of this and have used it with my kids several times:
“I can do anything that I want - I just can’t do everything that I want”.
God has given me the free will and wisdom in both spirit and from the people close to me to help me navigate life and pursue the things that matter and are important. I can choose those paths and chase those dreams. But I can’t chase every dream. I can’t do everything. I can’t mow the lawn and take Annie Grace out on the kayak (at the same time).
I know my dilemma doesn’t even make much sense because of course I should be able to do both those things - I just have to plan better. And that is where the adjustment needs to be made… in the planning. None of us ever planned to fail, we just failed to plan. I have to regularly take pen to paper and write down the things that are my priorities in life. The things that based on my values and my sense of calling, are the most important things for me to be giving my time, talent and energy to. This list will morph and change over time, which is why it needs to be revisited and adjusted seasonally. I love the challenge from Greg Mckeown in his book “Essentialism” to take Personal Quarterly Retreat every three months to evaluate the previous 3 months of your life. Literally, look at your calendar or journal and create a headline for what your life was about. Then look ahead at the upcoming 3 months and calibrate your to-do list based on your priorities and values. (This is a great challenge, and a great book!)
I need to give myself permission to spend time and even money on myself to make these priorities a - well, a priority. There may be a time that I need those 2-3 hours per week that I’d spend in the yard to give my best time to something else, like writing this post. I need to prioritize and give myself permission to hire someone for that odd job so that I can give myself fully to what’s important now.
I need to save (not hoard - big difference…) now so that I can take the opportunity to do something fun and amazing with my family or with my wife if and when the opportunity arises.
I need to say no to things that do not matter (like extra tv time or scrolling on social media), so that I can give the right 30-45 minutes to exercise knowing that is what’s best for me.
I need to put rest time on my schedule and participate in a guilt-free, lazy-free day of soul replenishment on a regular basis so that I allow God to speak to me in quiet moments and my inner world can settle down a bit.
Bottom line, when I am haunted by what I should be doing that I’m not currently doing, it creates stress, anxiety and fear. Instead, I need to have things in place that allow me to hold up that “should” against my priorities, against my calendar and against my values and either adjust what I’m doing, or throw that “should” in the trash. I also need to be sure to give myself grace and to not live too rigidly within a set of rules. We all need grace and sometimes need to live a little more spontaneously, can I get an amen?
I love the part of the narrative of the Old Testament prophet Nehemiah that Sandra Stanley points out in her book “Breathing Room”. When Nehemiah is working on the rebuilding of the walls of Jerusalem and is being torn and tempted by so many other “shoulds” from his family and friends, he reminds them…
“So I sent messengers with this message: ‘I am doing a great work and cannot come down. Why should I stop this work and leave it and come down to you?” Nehemiah 6:3
Don’t be haunted by a should in your life. Live intentionally. Be okay to say no. Give yourself permission to say yes. Live on purpose.
Do you live with this same struggle? I’d love to hear how you deal with keeping priorities in order. Comment below and let’s talk about it.
